28th March
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I thought was going to be just another ordinary day not unlike the one before, but as it turns out, I finally have something interesting to write about.
I was out on my daily walk when I came across the community notice board with a mysterious job posting looking for adventurers to meet with a “Milo”, the owner of The Lanky Beaver at 9.00pm that night. I decided to make my way to the Tavern to see what it was all about.
After yet another uneventful afternoon, I arrived at precisely 8:55pm and found myself looking up at a giant of a being blocking my way into the Lanky Beaver.
After some mild pleasantries I left my crossbow in the armoury box and assured Bricks, the bouncer, that I would restrain myself from using what he referred to as “magics”. A simpletons term for this godly power I have been granted.
Upon entering the tavern I could smell only what one would describe as some type of food not even fit for animal consumption. I made sure to NOT order any. The band was still setting up yet the tavern was bustling with tables filled with people and drinks. To the left in the corner I saw two poor souls playing “Eyeball Spit”, an old favourite of mine. I knew I’d have a good night here.
As I approached the bar I walked up to the proprietor of the establishment and introduced myself. He was taken aback for a moment as to why I thought HE might be Milo, as if anyone with half a brain couldn’t work that out from his fancy cap he had on.
Once I established what I was there for, I ordered myself a spirit, which came as a double shot, and made my way over to a strange bunch in the farthest most corner. After some odd pleasantries with an oaf of a half orc looking fellow, an old hag of a dwarf who at first I thought was a man, a mysterious stranger claiming to be a paladin and a midget of a gnome with what I must point out was a truly magnificent beard, Milo joined our little band of 5 with some orange bubbling drinks that surely no living thing should ever drink.
After learning all about the job, I was about to accept and join the party when one lousy slouch rocked up half an hour late and tried to sneak into the meeting. Had this been my establishment I would have banished him however Milo allowed him to stay. I guess he really wants this totem thingy or whatever it is he’s after.
Upon agreeing to raid this newly uncovered pyramid, we all picked up our strange bubbly drinks and downed them.
Now when I say downed them, that’s not quite what happened. It was the most intense foul tasting putrid I have ever attempted to consume. The moment it hit my lips I knew I had made a terrible mistake, let alone actually swallowing the damn thing.
Within seconds I felt my gut wrench and my stomach heave as the liquid came rushing back up my gullet. I quickly covered my mouth with my hand to try and trap it in so my newfound band of rag tag party members wouldn’t notice what was going on.
But alas, it was all too late. The entire drink was seeping out of my mouth, all through my fingers and down my beard onto my new robe. As I sat there contemplating my life choices, I realised I didn’t seem to matter to anyone as all eyes were on the mysterious Paladin who poured his drink all over the table in a sign of what I think was solidarity for his family? I’m not really sure as I was still trying to prevent more upheaval from my stomach.
Shenanigans aside, the band began playing some good music and it was time to head to the bar and my chance to swindle some patrons out of their hard earned money.
Before I even had the chance to get out of my chair, I saw that oaf fellow pick up little midget and fling him backwards into the damn fireplace. I mean, WHO DOES THAT???? Thankfully he bounced off the back bricks, rolled through the fire and onto the floor with barely a few cinders still flickering on his clothes as he franticly tried to pat out the flames.
I quickly got up, ordered another drink and made my way over to play a game of Eyeball spit. When there are three players, the trick is to let them go first. And that’s exactly what I did. 10 gold coins I wagered. A hefty pile of 30 coins on the table. That first eyeball spit went flying 5 or 6 feet in the air, but I knew, the trick was to have them looking at the big pile of gold and not the Eyeball hurtling at them, and just as expected, the first punter was eliminated. Now all I needed to do was spit the eyeball high enough that would send the second fellow rocketing right off his chair…: those amateurs.
Once I gathered my winnings I made my way back over to the bar to watch the band. The paladin had already left, mysterious fellow that one, and The old hag was out on the dance floor going wild. How much did she have to drink?? She was barely on there for a minute and off came the top. She must be at least 100 years old as those things were flapping around like they had there own ability to dance. Several of the taverns patrons seemed to enjoy the sight and began throwing some coin at her. She mustn’t have been that drunk as she was well and able to catch a fair few pieces of gold using her… “assets”.
Mr “late to the party” elf man was over at the cards table when four of the gamblers all pulled daggers on him. My first thought was “hey now, no weapons allowed fellas” and I looked over to Bricks who was now behind the bar guzzling down a barrel sized Ale. I thought perhaps he was going to get mad but he just laughed and kept drinking. Next thing I know, elf man goes flying past me out the door.
I thought to myself, “right, no one’s going to pick on my party members”, so what did I do? I did what any good citizen would do. I bought Bricks a shot of his famous fire whisky…. and got permission to do a little bit of “magics”.
I cast three simple scorching rays of fire at the aggressors. I forgot about the fourth guy as while the other three were rolling around on the floor trying to “extinguish” themselves, the fourth jumped up on the table and fired a damn arrow, hitting me smack in the shoulder. I don’t know why they all got so mad at me but suddenly I was faced with 4 somewhat angry patrons.
With all the commotion going on, everyone seemed to forget about my little friend. While it took some time for him to re-steady himself after being tossed into the fireplace, he quickly snatched up all the pouches of gold on the table without being noticed.
What came at first as a complete horror for me, big oaf once again grabbed the little fella by the belt and lifted him up. I truely thought he was going to throw him once again into that fireplace for whatever insane reason he had, but to my surprise, he began running towards the entrance.
The patron who shot me while standing on the tabletop was knocked right off his feat. Oh the sheer enjoyment of watching him go flying. It even made the agonising pain feel just that little bit better.
I looked over toward old hag, wondering what super move she’d be able to perform with her assets, but to my shock, she just laid down, tucked one of her assets under her head like a pillow and went to sleep right there on the tavern floor. And here I though dwarfs could hold their liquor. This of course had meant the patrons being entertained by her, were now focused on big oaf carting little midget across the tavern. They had spotted the gold pouches had been taken and now I knew ALL spitting eyeballs were about to hit the floor, so I pulled the damn arrow out of my arm in preparation to perform another spell.
Now, I knew I ‘could’ cast my scorching ray fire again but I really didn’t want to burn down the tavern. I mean, what would it look like when the first two rules from Milo was to “NOT” burn down the tavern. He is my new employer after all and so, I decided to cast sleep.
What I thought was going to successfully eliminate the majority of the problem facing me, turned out not so good. Two of the fools clanked out and hit the floor but two of those damn fellas resisted and shot some more arrows right at my head. Now I must say, they were still smouldering from my initial, yet playful fire ray show earlier so their aim wasn’t all too good. I figured it was time to make a move outta there and so, headed toward the door.
By this time Big oaf was stopped and knocked over by the once distracted patrons with little midget smacking into the ground head first. Somehow big oaf made the selfless sacrifice to protect the little midget by sliding him across the floor towards me, barreling into one of the patrons and knocking him down like ten pin bowling. The screeching sound of the gnomes face on the floor brought back horrific memories of when my childhood teacher would scratch their nails across the chalk board. I can only imagine what was going through the poor little fellas mind at the time as his face was planting into the floorboards.
I figured I better go back and save him so I ran over to try and help. The little guy was still clinging onto all the money pouches for dear life. Either he really wanted that money, or he was frozen in complete horror not sure what the hell had just happened to him. I knew I couldn’t grab his arms as I didn’t want him to drop what he had so dearly clung onto, so, I grabbed the next best thing, his luscious beard.
I do feel bad for him. I don’t really want to say what happened. I did find a whole heap of beard hair in my pocket today so I guess I’ll return it to him … IF I ever see him again.
He made enough noise for me to realise he’d be able to get himself out of there so I turned to once again head towards the door. This time a god forsaken arrow pierced me in the back on the other shoulder. Now I had two useless arms. Thankfully another arrow they fired flew well askew. I think it hit one of the poor souls still playing Eyeball spit.
And now wouldn’t you believe it… guess who showed up. Yep, Mr late to the party Elf man, again. And HE had the Gaul to turn to ME and ask what was going on???!!! Here I was, bleeding out and he was acting like he didn’t start all of this. I made my mind known to him when He suddenly cast some hand spell and I thought we finally might just be able to turn the tables here…. Yeah, No. that selfish son of a, just used his casting to gather a heap of lose coins for himself before he yet again ran off.
In the end I just ran and got the hell outta there. Next thing I knew, little midget went running right past me too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so small moving so fast. And the sound he made as he ran past… “Reeeeeeeeeee”. Sounded just like a little piglet being chased. Gnomes are certainly strange little creatures.
Don’t even ask me what happened to poor big oaf or old hag. I know big oaf got a good beating and blacked out but then last thing I could hear was Milo stepping in and having everyone thrown out onto the street.
Well, by this time the alcohol had really hit me. I had almost forgot I had even been shot twice and wondered the streets looking for a healer. Or at least, I think that’s what I was trying to do. Next thing I remember, I was waking up in a strange house in a strangers bed, hearing a family call for the police, and now, here I am, sitting in prison, waiting to be released after paying 8 Gold coins to the family for the broken door, and bloodied bedsheets.
Gee, I really didn’t expect this job was going to be all that interesting but here’s to getting out of prison and then raiding a pyramid with my new friends.
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